There. Last letter done. Stillness, at last.

And now I wonder: in what state do I exist, in this moment, the last moment of my life? Next moment I will be gone; my correspondents do not yet know what has happened to me— sorry, what *will have* happened, by the time they find out about it; I am not terribly concerned where I will be gone *to*, as that will be revealed: it only matters to me, now, that I be gone from here. From now, actually, as well as from here, now I think of it: it's now as much as, if not more than, here, from which I wish to depart, or, rather, to be departed from.

My friends, my family, all my loved ones, all rest content in this moment (as content as any of them or us ever is), if it can be said that they share this moment with me — well, of course it can be said: *anything* can be said. My question is — what I'm wondering is — what *is* that relation between us, now, in this moment? Between here and there, between now and then — whether "then" has passed already, or is yet to do so.

In other words, *is* there a relation, here, now, between me and my dearest ones? None that I can reach. To talk about *them* at all is just to talk. *They* exist only in me, at least now, in this moment — for me, this last moment: were I suddenly to change my mind (and of course I reserve that right), and destroy all these farewell messages I have just composed for them to find here, then, after I am gone; were I then to run to them, into their arms, vowing never to leave them or even to think about it, ever again — I would be no closer to them than I am now, alone, in the middle of the night, when they are all asleep, as I imagine them, while I keep this last watch, reflecting on the — well, my — end.

Our lives are disembodied; the world is made of nothing; we float through empty space, dreaming stuff and nonsense, as my grampa used to say. What *are* we? Are we even *we*? How can it be that I can *be* one moment and *not be* the next? and yet that is my longing — or rather my longing is for both at once, even as I realize I have both at once, and always have!

Time to go.